Facebook faux pas

I hate surprises. I love the sentiment behind them but the whole not knowing what people have planned is unsettling to me, I wish I could read minds. Anyway because I hate surprises and I'm considerate if nothing else I feel it necessary to outline things which may prompt me to surprise you one day. There are certain qualities I find unacceptable in friends, naturally those same restrictions will be extended to my cyber buddies. Here are a few examples of things that will get you deleted by me on Facebook. Pay attention, you all care about this very much.

•  Posting naked pictures of oneself



http://www.telegraph.co.uk/



My abhorrence of this practice has been widely documented on my own Facebook profile. If you send me a friend request and you look like an upstanding (fully clothed) member of society then as soon as I click on "confirm" you start posting PG-older-than-me pictures, you will be deleted or sat down for a come to Jesus talk.

• Misspelt anything



http://www.websitehustle.blogspot.com/



Another widely documented habit. Seeing misspelt words annoys me to no end. Ryting lyk dis makes no cents2mi eitha (do you have letters missing on your phone/keyboard?). I should also point out that "quit" and "quite" mean completely different things, as do "lose" and "loose". It gives me a headache to decipher what you were trying to say so I delete.

                

•  The TMI updates



http://www.toughcookiemommy.com/



  

These always make me cringe. It's fascinating I'm sure but I really have no interest in just how horny you are, and how you plan to solve this err stiff predicament.

 

•   Invites to events



http://www.ebooke.com/



I am a proud hermit. I have appealed to the Facebook masses not to invite me to functions unless you're sure beyond reasonable doubt that it is something I'd go to. To whoever sent me this bizarre invite last week, a Kama sutra event is not something I'd attend (on Wednesdays).

 

• Weird fetishes that go against my beliefs



http://www.consequenceofsound.net/



I firmly believe in anything that supports the burning down of Young Money headquarters. Everytime I say this it gets me side-eyes but I'm too busy collecting TnT to care. I saw a status update this morning posted by a beautiful girl which read, "Weezy's voice really turns me on". I prayed. Then deleted.

 
 
 
 

• False middle names



http://www.sodahead.com/



Don't give me that look I know for a fact your name is not Sifiso Bedrock Mazibuko and there's no way your girlfriend is Lihle StomptheYard Vilakati. You have coital alignment techniques that result in the bed rocking and she likes the movie we get it.

•    Racist rantings



http://www.morrisonworldnews.com/



Almost immediately after Eugene Terrblanche's death Facebook groups sprang into existence, white people calling black people uneducated, murdering monkeys and black people threatening to rape the mothers and sisters of white people. This perpetuating of stereotypes made me sick to my stomach. I have no time for this, if your fun is found in slurring people of other races, differing sexual preferences, and religious beliefs don't call me. Ever.

You're all too good for this type of behaviour, if you're guilty of any of these things, purge yourself if you don't know how I'll help. Get a 2l bottle of water, a Nora Roberts book, a camp chair and a beach umbrella for you to hold over me while I think of ways to cleanse you.

3 days to the new year!

Stay beautiful.