Facebook faux pas

I hate surprises. I love the sentiment behind them but the whole not knowing what people have planned is unsettling to me, I wish I could read minds. Anyway because I hate surprises and I'm considerate if nothing else I feel it necessary to outline things which may prompt me to surprise you one day. There are certain qualities I find unacceptable in friends, naturally those same restrictions will be extended to my cyber buddies. Here are a few examples of things that will get you deleted by me on Facebook. Pay attention, you all care about this very much.

•  Posting naked pictures of oneself



http://www.telegraph.co.uk/



My abhorrence of this practice has been widely documented on my own Facebook profile. If you send me a friend request and you look like an upstanding (fully clothed) member of society then as soon as I click on "confirm" you start posting PG-older-than-me pictures, you will be deleted or sat down for a come to Jesus talk.

• Misspelt anything



http://www.websitehustle.blogspot.com/



Another widely documented habit. Seeing misspelt words annoys me to no end. Ryting lyk dis makes no cents2mi eitha (do you have letters missing on your phone/keyboard?). I should also point out that "quit" and "quite" mean completely different things, as do "lose" and "loose". It gives me a headache to decipher what you were trying to say so I delete.

                

•  The TMI updates



http://www.toughcookiemommy.com/



  

These always make me cringe. It's fascinating I'm sure but I really have no interest in just how horny you are, and how you plan to solve this err stiff predicament.

 

•   Invites to events



http://www.ebooke.com/



I am a proud hermit. I have appealed to the Facebook masses not to invite me to functions unless you're sure beyond reasonable doubt that it is something I'd go to. To whoever sent me this bizarre invite last week, a Kama sutra event is not something I'd attend (on Wednesdays).

 

• Weird fetishes that go against my beliefs



http://www.consequenceofsound.net/



I firmly believe in anything that supports the burning down of Young Money headquarters. Everytime I say this it gets me side-eyes but I'm too busy collecting TnT to care. I saw a status update this morning posted by a beautiful girl which read, "Weezy's voice really turns me on". I prayed. Then deleted.

 
 
 
 

• False middle names



http://www.sodahead.com/



Don't give me that look I know for a fact your name is not Sifiso Bedrock Mazibuko and there's no way your girlfriend is Lihle StomptheYard Vilakati. You have coital alignment techniques that result in the bed rocking and she likes the movie we get it.

•    Racist rantings



http://www.morrisonworldnews.com/



Almost immediately after Eugene Terrblanche's death Facebook groups sprang into existence, white people calling black people uneducated, murdering monkeys and black people threatening to rape the mothers and sisters of white people. This perpetuating of stereotypes made me sick to my stomach. I have no time for this, if your fun is found in slurring people of other races, differing sexual preferences, and religious beliefs don't call me. Ever.

You're all too good for this type of behaviour, if you're guilty of any of these things, purge yourself if you don't know how I'll help. Get a 2l bottle of water, a Nora Roberts book, a camp chair and a beach umbrella for you to hold over me while I think of ways to cleanse you.

3 days to the new year!

Stay beautiful.  

Awesome is as awesome does

Yesterday I discussed, race, absolute truth, right & wrong etc. Before I go too far with this post I must just say that my absolute truth is that I am awesome. Everything I do is based on this unchangeable, undisputable, scientifically proven fact. Which is why when I meet people who don't like me I am genuinely surprised 'cause I mean who doesn't like awesome??
Seriously though, I haven't always held myself in high regard. People's opinions of me were too effective in shaping my opinion of myself. I'm shy, humble and unobtrusive; I'm also smart, quick-witted and unforgettable. No really. But to get to the wit and the unforgettableness Nat King Cole crooned about you have to forge a way through the shyness, it's not an easy road. So because I'm the type of person who uses silence where others prefer words people wrote me off as not awesome. Blasphemy I know.

As usual I digress, my point is that when I stopped focusing so much on what you thought of me I was able to love me more and bring forth the awesomeness I was stifling in order to fit perfectly into the boring mold cut out for me. Once I had that no one could tell me that just because I'd rather stay in than go out I'm not awesome, that because I'd rather read a book than go drinking I'm lame...some friends have tried but well funeral songs were sung soon after.

Yesterday a friend of mine posted a link on her Facebook page about Afrikaans author Annelie Botes who made this statement in an interview in response to the question "What don't you like?"

"I know my answer will shock some people but I don't like black people, I don't trust them. If they're hungry why don't they, like in the old days, break in, steal the fridge and not harm anyone. Why are they so angry? I'm sorry my neighbour was killed brutally and for what?"

I had to re-read this statement a few times before I realised that it wasn't anger or shame I was feeling, but I pitied her in the same way I pity my father who still has residual feelings towards ALL white people about Apartheid.

The way I began the post was actually so I could allude to it now. If I still allowed people's opinions of me to affect what I think of me I wouldn't be able to face all my white colleagues at work after reading that lady's thoughts, but she's just one woman, that's just one opinion. This doesn't mean I agree with her or condone her being that narrow-minded but my point is whatever she thinks is a burden on her. Someone somewhere sometime once said "it's not what you call me, it's what I answer to" and in case you missed the whole point of this post, I answer to awesome.

Textually challenged

Hi my name is Nono and I use Facebook and twitter ALOT. I've been an avid Facebooker since 2007 and the appeal it had for me was connecting with old friends and cementing relationships with current ones. However as with any well planned party a few gate-crashers managed to cheat the system and I was probably high off my growing popularity in my social media sphere, I began accepting people I didn't know, people I would never know. At first I used to make an effort to chat to my new digi-pals then I just lost interest, I'm very fickle (or whatever being a Gemini is about). So my friend count just kept increasing and all these people whose lives I had no interest in were appearing on my timeline talking about what they were planning on getting up to on a given day, or who they saw and what they thought about who they saw.

I then had a rare moment of clarity to reflect on the bizarreness of my relationship with all my social media non-friends and I went on a deleting spree. My finger is still a little crooked from all that clicking. Then I began working at Soul Magazine and I needed people to be the sources of my articles and because I now had no strange people on my friends list, only people I knew, people who wouldn't help me with a story if I begged, bribed or blackmailed. Then the vicious cycle of accepting people I don't personally know began again, but at least this time they were helpful. So I studied people's status updates and based on that decided who to approach for what.

I no longer have standards when it comes to accepting friends (on Facebook) but a few of my real-life friends put a bit of weight behind this statement, but still I love. But every social media slorebag has to suffer for her sins; show me a girl who hasn't had a relationship proposal from a stranger sent to their inbox and I'll show you ten who have! Just yesterday I received a "I wld love 2 date u" last week: "Gorgious how are you doing today?" err is that the same as gorgeous? Same week: "You have such a sexy bum wld luv to touch it" and so it goes. On the basis of these brave brave men not knowing how to write they fail, I assume their not knowing how to write is directly related to not knowing how to read because my profile clearly states that I am in a relationship.

I'm still debating whether or not to go on another deleting spree, but if I do who will be the willing guinea pigs for my journalistic escapades? I think until the time comes when my friends allow me to tell their stories, interesting alcohol-fuelled ones might I add I am resigned to a life of accepting friend requests and being textually harrased via inbox.