Dear 2010

I loved you. I anticipated your arrival. I had plans for you. You were to be a year of firsts for me and you had no choice but to go along on my ride, adhere to my plans, and bend to my will. If only I knew then what I know now.


I am horrible at sticking to a plan, I get bored with routine but I crave the normalcy of sameness. Either way I was prepared for you. You tried to distract me when you brought me back to Swaziland at the end of your equally sly sister 2009, but I was unperturbed, I was talented and sooner or later someone would have to take notice, I had you on my side, you gave me 12 months, each filled with a generous 30+ days to execute my plan.

What I regarded as a celebration of the hard work I put towards being counted one day happened in April. With my qualification in hand the real world seemed a lot more tangible, a lot less beautiful. I could almost hear you chuckle at my naivety. The qualification meant people expect you to be a contributing member of society but you refused to open doors for me, refused to show me where they were. Still I rise.

You finally opened a door for me in June. Not what I expected, not what I wanted. I sulked, I kicked, I screamed and eventually I thanked God for knowing what I need and for not raising a spoilt child. Blessings are blessings no matter where or how they come into your life. You taught me this.

You presented my family with sickness, turbulence and discord, they hung on us like ill-fitting clothes, we couldn’t shake them off, couldn’t hang them up. We started to accessorise these things you brought us with earrings of laughter, necklaces of stolen joy and bracelets of unconditional love. Oh how we needed that love to be at its most unconditional when you taunted us.

You whittled away at my spirit, your green fingers removed the non-fruit bearing branches in my life, like a perfectionist potter you worked at me, shaping the stubborn clay till it listened to your touch, till it followed your direction. You bullied me, you hurt me, you loved me, and you consoled me.

I lost a grandmother and a brother to you, relentless in your lessons of life. If you didn’t take my gran I would have remained a stranger to my extended family, if you spared my brother’s life I would have kept on taking the little things for granted. Grudgingly I thank you, reluctantly I respect you.

Cloaked in all this pain my heart was still lined in faith. I couldn’t believe you’d be so cruel, so I waited. Then you did something which completely took the winds right out of my sails: you opened my eyes. And then I saw him. What a beautiful surprise. I didn’t know how to thank you for bringing me this man who understood when to cover my heart, when to PG18 my life, how to make my crying face smile and how to make my bleeding soul believe in tomorrow. And tomorrow. And tomorrow.

This was October when you brought the smile back to my life. Forever in my heart October will be our month. The month you proved you still loved me, that you still craved my smile.

2011 has big shoes to fill, big dreams to walk me to and through. I’m not nervous though, 2011 is related to you and I know you’ve already whispered the desires, fears and aspirations of this faithful heart. Because it still beats, I know I’m in good hands.